Bonney Eberts
There are few things in the world as special as love like that of a mother. In talking with Bonney, it's evident to see how she cared for her daughter. If only for a brief time they spent together, they will always be intertwined and Bonney will forever be grateful for that time. Bonney will never let go because her memory is how she keeps her alive each day.
Q: Bonney, tell us about the person you lost (their name, age, personality, what you loved about them)
My daughter’s name is Emery Shirley Marie Lewis. She lived for one hour and 19 minutes. I loved how, although her body was small (dwarfism) her heart was big: literally. I love how she would kick at the precise moment I would relax my entire body after a long day. It's like she wanted to share that moment with me and tell me she loves me. I love how even though she was taking all of the room and pushing her sister into my ribs making it hard to breathe she always clung onto her sister. I love the second she had her sweet big eyes open. I love the strength her tiny little fingers had on my chest. I love her thick hair and how it curled at the tips. I love her sweet skin fold on her small arms. I love the softness of her skin.
Q: Can you tell us how you are doing at the moment?
I am in a constant state of conflict. Feeling so thankful to spent her entire short life so intimately with her on my chest. I feel so sad that she is gone. I feel so much joy at watching her twin sister thrive, but so much anger and emptiness that Emery is not with us. It's heavy, overwhelming, and confusing
Q: What have you done to begin your healing journey? Has it helped?
I share my story. I speak her name. I include her in all our family functions and traditions and look for ways to create new memories and traditions in her honor. I journal. I meditate. I cry a lot. I do everything possible to make her existence known and to memorialize, honor, and celebrate her beautiful existence
Q: What is the hardest thing you’ve experienced with grief?
Repeating the cycle over and over and in different phases. It's never the same. The inability to change the outcome is very hard. The bargaining, anger, and “what-ifs” are so hard. Having to continue on with life when I would rather sit around is hard.
Q: What is something no one told you about grief or even prepared you for?
No matter how many warnings you have, no matter how much preparation one has, that precise moment when she left me, that last breath she breathed was so intense. There's nothing that compares to the pain.
Q: What was something someone has done while you’ve been grieving that you’ll never forget?
People have prepared meals and taken things off my to-do list so I can be present and vulnerable and feel all the things I'm feeling. People have bought me and made me little keepsakes and artwork to help me honor her life
Q: What loving advice would you give to others who are grieving?
Grace and patience go a very long way. Allow yourself to feel every single emotion especially the ones you want to bury or run away from. It is completely OK to not feel OK. You’re going to go through each step of grief differently than anyone else you know. You may repeat them you may skip around and you may start over. It’s lifelong healing. Reach out and talk about it because the more you can get out of your mind silently, the more you can connect with others and live in honor of your loved one. Find ways that you can transform your grief. I use art and music. There are so many songs that will make me cry one day and make me smile another because I can connect with the lyrics and the emotions. I am no artist but being able to put my feelings onto a canvas from a paintbrush is healing for me. Putting my feet onto wet grass or a creek of water is so healing for me. Find different ways to find peace and for you to express your emotions.